Grandparent’s Recipe for a good night

Ingredients:
1 Rocker
1 Book
1 Baby
1 or 2 adults
1 bottle or sippy cup (optional)

Preparation: Baby should have clean bottom and not have been riled up by a well-meaning Grandparent. Walks are good for nighttime preparation. Bottle should be warmed either in bowl of hot water or bottle warmer. Open bag of milk and sniff. Milk is good if smells like milk. Milk is bad if smells sour or like freezer burn. To decide on appropriateness of milk think, “Would I drink this?” If answer is yes, DO NOT DRINK! Simply pour bag into plastic breast-resembling apparatus (bottle). If answer is no, hunt for another bag and repeat preparation steps. If no bag is found – panic. Alternative option is to use fresh, cold milk in the sippy cup. This is preferable method currently.

Bedtime: Begin by sitting in the rocker with the infant. Infant will be squirmy and will not appear tired. This is a big, fat lie. Read book to baby. Book goes best with 2 voices reading alternating pages, with both reading last page or line. Baby will not listen to book but will, however, attempt to eat book. This is allowed.

Then, casually present bottle to baby while softy singing “You are my sunshine”. Baby will turn head from side to side and make it clear breast is preferred. Some crying may be involved. May need to hold bottle in baby’s mouth for a time to convince her that there is, indeed, milk in bottle and not poison or a “mommy disappearing” substance. Continue this step until milk is consumed or baby has fallen asleep after exhausting herself in a frantic, angry fury.

Continue singing “You are my Sunshine” for a few verses, hum a few verses, then remain silent. Extra talking will stimulate baby. Remain silent and rocking until you desire to put the baby down in a place (preferably a crib) that is sharp object, electrical cord, and small animal free.

Wait a bit with hand on baby to ensure that bedtime was successful. It is helpful to remove hand little by little each time baby breathes (thereby tricking her into not noticing your impending abandonment).

GOOD LUCK!
Prep Time: 5 mins
Active Time: 30 mins
Serves: All involved