Monday, April 20, 2009

Mommyhood changes...

So motherhood has changed me.
Some were obvious. Some I didn't see coming.

Take last night for example. I was harmlessly checking my email and I read a post from a blogging mom I follow (gosh, that sounds geek-ish). The title was "A Tribute to Maddie". OK. I know I shouldn't have even clicked, but this mommy is funny so I figured it was a funny story.

Turns out Maddie was a toddler. A beautiful, blond-haired blue-eyed toddler. Emphasis on the WAS........

As soon as I realized what I was reading... that the tribute to Maddie was a tribute to the Maddie who WAS....

I should've shut off the computer and ran.

But what did I do? I SCOURED the website to see what killed Maddie because I HAD to make sure it was something that could not touch Anna. So there I was, scrolling and crying. Crying and scrolling. Heartbroken for Maddie. Maddie who I never met. Maddie who WAS.

(I am sniffling as I type).

So! THIS is something I would never have done pre-mommyhood. Now, the second it dawned on me that I was reading about a dead toddler, the mommy monster in me screamed so loud and long, I'm sure the earth shook. I can NOT accept the fact that toddlers, little toddlers like Anna, Molly and Ben, die. No no no no NO!


And the mommy monster is still grumbling...... God bless Curt who held me last night as I sobbed about Maddie. The Maddie I NEVER met.
The Maddie who was.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my goodness, I read about her too! How tragic. I even went back and read about her first week of like in the NICU. sheesh. -Kayla