G-U-I-L-T, dark nights, and work

A few updates.
So I started work... Before I started this week, I was the most whiney, ambivalent, morose momma you could interact with. "Woe is me" doesn't begin to describe it. But here's the deal (as Joe Biden likes to say): I only work 10-12 hours per week. Anna is truly, barely going to miss me. I will miss two bedtimes each week but she will get used to that very quickly. The thing is, it will be MONTHS before I'm used to it. It feels utterly wrong. But not paying Curt's student loans (which is the whole reason I'm working) feels wrong-er. Well, wrong-ish. I'd go on ignoring them forever and praying for a miracle for a lot longer if I could swing it.

So I became a "working mom" this week. If I were a painting, I'd definitely be a Dali all melty and creepy. THAT'S how frazzled and out of myself I felt.

IN FACT,

I had my first mom freak out in a long, long time. I finally gave in and took an OTC sleep pill because I couldn't settle down mid-week and I really, really, really needed sleep. Well Anna, who hadn't woken up before 3 or 5 am in months, woke up two hours after I took the thing because she was so uncomfortable (teething, stuffy nose - just plain grumpy - very Oscar the Grouchish). I didn't know if I could nurse her, which was what she wanted. So I called our doctor hotline thingy and waited ON HOLD for THIRTY minutes until someone finally answered a little after midnight. Meanwhile, Anna's screaming in her crib for the whole half hour because Curt tried to sooth her but was too sleep deprived himself to be really effective.

And I couldn't go in there to soothe her because she wouldn't understand why I wasn't nursing her. So I waited..... on hold...... piss#& as hell that they weren't answering to let me know if I could still nurse my kid..... listening to her wail.
What a night!

Mom guilt is a very, very powerful thing. I felt it.... last night.... for taking something that probably has fewer chemicals than a diet coke.



That's how much I love this girl: